Despair
by RedandLizzie
Summary: Liz confronts Tom with the box. A Red and Lizzie story. NOTE: Slight revision to ending on 10/24/2013.


**Despair**

**Synopsis**: Liz confronts Tom with the box. A Red/Liz story.

**Notes**: As of the writing of this story, only the first four episodes of The Blacklist have aired.

Also, if you're interested in a blog which is dedicated to Red and Lizzie, please check out my tumblr, redandlizzie (see my profile for a direct link). I have a connected tumblr blog, redxlizzie, recommending Red and Lizzie fan fiction as well.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own The Blacklist or any of these wonderful characters. The brilliant Jon Bokenkamp and NBC do. This is a transformative work and no money is being made from this story.

* * *

Liz regained consciousness with a pounding pulse and searing headache. She heard Red's voice, quiet and methodical, up and to her left. When she opened her eyes, her vision was blurry but she could make out Red and Dembe standing above her.

A sharp pain stabbed behind her left eye and she quickly squinted her eyes shut and ground her teeth. She struggled, trying to comprehend Red's words, but her heartbeat was too loud, making a steady thump in her head. She moaned and managed to speak a weak, "Red."

She felt a swish of air and knew he had knelt next to her, his hand softly gripping her shoulder. When she lifted her head and one shoulder, in attempt to get up, the pain became more intense and she moaned again, "God in heaven, what..."

Red's voice was clear and firm, "Be still, Lizzie. You're fine now. Take a breath. Come on. In, out, in, out, that's it Sweetheart, keep going."

Liz concentrated on Red's voice and his cool fingers pressing into the vertebra of her neck as he cradled her head. Then she remembered everything. The accusations. The yelling. Tom picking up the gun from the box and aiming it directly at her. Red crashing in. Tom with his dead open eyes staring at nothing.

* * *

When Liz drug out the box from under the floor and confronted Tom, he feigned ignorance then became angry. When she insisted they go to Assistant Director Cooper, he picked up the gun from the box, checked the ammo clip, then aimed it at her. Minutes of silence passed and neither moved nor spoke. The only thing Liz felt was the crack taking hold and moving through her heart. Tom stared at her with eyes she did not recognize. Gone was sweet, gentle Tom. She was going to die and her husband would be the one to kill her. "If I'm going to die, then tell me. Why me, Tom? Why? Why is everyone so interested in me?"

He smiled, an old Tom smile, and shook his head, "Come on, Lizzie. You're a smart girl."

At the crashing of the back door, Tom jerked his head and took the few steps necessary to clutch Liz and place the gun at her temple.

She had wondered if Red would come.

Red appeared in the room with his usual smooth stride but he looked more unkempt than Liz had ever seen him - shirt tails hanging loose, sleeves rolled to his elbows, the top four buttons of his shirt undone. She noticed the light smattering of hair on Red's chest and thought it was odd to notice such a thing at a time like this. She searched Red's face, seeking eye contact, but he avoided her gaze, staring intently at Tom. After a number of seconds, Red finally spoke, "Let me introduce you to number 115 on the blacklist, Lizzie."

Tom moved the butt of his gun and pushed it into Liz's jaw. "Raymond Reddington. So, is this what you've been up to Lizzie? Is he the one you've been sharing your bed with since you've been absent from mine?"

For some reason, given the absurdity of the entire situation, Tom's comment hurt Liz. Deeply. Not once in the entire time she had known Tom, did she think of another man in that way. She was surprised though, when she felt the tear sliding down her cheek.

"Come now, Thomas, don't be vulgar. There's a lady present." Red was looking at her now, straight in the eye, and there was something in his expression that she had not seen before.

Tom must have seen something in Red's face too, because she felt Tom's body become more rigid and he jerked Liz's hair, bending her head back to look her in the face. "You cheating... you're a whore, Lizzie, just like your mother."

She was done, now. Done with everything and everyone who had ever been in her life. She stopped caring at that moment. Stopped caring why Tom had married her, why Red had sought her out, none of the whys mattered any longer. Her weight dropped and she slid from Tom's arms to the floor. She felt Tom's boot before she saw it as he kicked her on the side of the head.

Although she could hear, the world went black. The gun went off once, then twice more. She could hear an intense struggle, and as her vision returned, she heard the gun clatter and skid across the floor to within a few feet of her. When she reached for the gun, she looked up to see Tom leaning over Red with a large kitchen knife in his hand. Liz grabbed the gun, stumbled to a standing position, and fired as Tom brought the knife to Red's throat.

The last thing she saw before collapsing was her handsome Tom, eyes open, dead from the bullet wound at his temple.

* * *

"Lizzie. Lizzie." The cadence of Red's voice was intoxicating. She had noticed that before. She couldn't help herself.

She opened her eyes, and when Red's face finally came into focus, she spoke, "I killed him."

Red nodded, "Yes."

"Then why don't I feel anything?"

"Sweetheart, nothing is the worst thing you can feel."

Liz realized she was lying on her bed then and turned to her side, away from Red.

He sat with her until the sound of sirens blared. "Stay here, Lizzie."

* * *

After the EMT's checked her over, she answered all of Ressler's mindless questions. It took hours. He was thorough and sometimes even cruel but she never faltered. Not even when he insisted they leave her bedroom. Liz was quite sure Tom's body had been removed but she still didn't want to set foot downstairs. At one point, she wondered if Ressler would leave her alone if she cried, but she couldn't find any tears to shed. There was just complete and utter emptiness. Despair.

When Ressler was done, Meera appeared. "I'm so sorry. Listen, don't worry. The video shows everything that happened. This will get straightened out quickly."

A rush of adrenalin hit Liz, "Video?"

Meera grimaced. "Of course. You don't know about the surveillance equipment."

"No, I don't." Liz swallowed hard, realization dawning, "Where's Red?"

"He's gone. Left around an hour ago. He was pretty beaten up. I don't think he liked being seen that way."

"Did he give you the video?"

"Not exactly. Dembe gave it to me. Said they had come across some evidence that would clarify what happened here. He didn't offer any other info and neither did Reddington."

Liz slumped. She was so incredibly tired. And, really, what did it matter.

"You're exhausted. We're wrapping up and should be out of here in fifteen. Take some time. Don't come in tomorrow. Don't come in until Monday. I'll take care of Ressler. Do you want to pack a bag? I can give you a ride to somewhere. You shouldn't stay here tonight."

Liz shook her head, "No, I'm good here."

Meera paused, "Okay, then. I'll make sure things are locked up when we leave. The back door was kind of a mess but Dembe already took care of that." When Meera left the bedroom, she closed the door behind her.

Liz lay down on the bed and slept fitfully for a little over an hour. When she woke, it was nearly three a.m. She clambered to the restroom, made use of the facilities, then drank straight from the tap. She found herself descending the stairs and walking straight to the front door, eyes never drifting toward the spot where had Tom died. She walked for a long time. No destination in mind, not even thinking really, just moving. She didn't realize how cold it was until she arrived at Red's hotel.

As she stood at the entrance, shivering, she looked skyward. She reached for the door handle then stopped, whispering to herself, "What in the hell are you doing? What the hell?" She turned away quickly, dizziness hitting her hard in response, and managed to make it to a nearby bench.

A few minutes later Dembe sat next to her. His voice was soft but assured, "You think you know the man he is, but you do not. He is complicated, yes. He has done terrible things, yes. But, he is a man that many would lay down their lives for. Myself included. And, I do know this - you are the only one he is willing to die for."

Liz shivered, unsure if it was from the cold or something else. "Will you take me to him?"

Dembe stood, "Of course."

They walked through the hotel lobby to a private express elevator where Dembe inserted a key, then entered a code. "Luli will be there to greet you."

The doors opened and when Liz stepped in, Dembe said, "There are many things I have seen in my life which I cannot explain. Many have been horrendous. A few were wondrous. And, then, I see his feelings for you."

As the doors slid closed, Liz studied the floor. She felt numb. With the chime of the elevator, Luli appeared in front of her. She pointed toward the sofa and Liz complied. As soon as Liz sat down, Luli disappeared behind a closed door. A couple of minutes later, Luli reappeared carrying a blanket. She wrapped it around Liz's shoulders, then walked to the elevator and left.

Liz sunk into the seat cushions and pulled the blanket tight around her. She was alone in the hotel room of a notorious criminal who sat on the FBI's top ten most wanted list for twenty years. And she had killed her husband not even twenty-four hours earlier. A husband she had yet to shed one tear for. In her thoughts, she labeled herself a monster.

Red was directly in front of her before she heard him approach. His bare feet were the first thing she saw. Her eyes slid up his pajama clad legs and stopped when they reached his bare chest. She couldn't look him in the eye. She just couldn't. He always knew too much. He always knew everything.

"Lizzie?"

She closed her eyes in response and she blew a puff of air out her nose.

"Lizzie, look at me."

She forced her eyelids open and found his face. His left eye was swollen, turning black, and there was a cut on his bottom lip.

She shrugged, "I... don't... I didn't want to be alone. And... you are the only..."

He opened his arms, "Come here, Lizzie."

She went to him. His arms enveloped her, his warmth seeping into her bones. She felt him kiss the top of her head and she gripped his back tighter. He smelled earthy, clean and male. Liz turned her face into his chest then up to his neck. She kissed him there and she felt him hum. She opened her mouth, sliding her tongue out to taste his skin and he slid his hand into her hair. When he pulled back, she expected him to kiss her, but instead, he placed his hands on both sides of her face. "Not now, Sweetheart. Not like this. You mean far too much to me to have it end like this."

For the first time, Liz felt like crying. He was rejecting her and she felt humiliated. Suddenly, anger began to swell in the pit of her stomach. She pushed hard against his chest, freeing herself, then turned and walked briskly to the elevator, jabbing at the call button.

When he grabbed her arm from behind and turned her around to face him, she quickly raised her hand, but stopped short of making contact with his face. His eyes bore into hers and she could feel his breath. "Do not mistake my civility, Lizzie. I want you. But not just for one night. Do you understand?"

She crumbled, tears streaming down her face, and he smoothed the moisture on her cheeks with his thumbs as he held her face. "When you've decided this is really what you want. I will be here. I will always be here."

Red took a step back and she immediately missed the contact. He watched her for a moment before turning and walking to his bedroom. "This is a suite and there are three bedrooms. You may have the one on the left. I prefer that you stay here, at the hotel with me, but if you want to leave, Dembe will take you home."

After Red closed his door, the elevator opened, revealing Dembe. She wiped the remaining moisture off her face, took three steps toward Red's bedroom, then stopped abruptly, whispering, "I don't know what to do."

Dembe spoke softly, "Let me take you home, then."

Liz turned to face Dembe. "Okay."


End file.
